the shell

the shell is so inviting and safe. it is so much easier to delve into it. it is so much more comfortable to swim in it, alone. it is the only true provider of comfort in this world. no family, parents, siblings, friends can provide what the shell provides, true acceptance, total acceptance, it is like the air and atmosphere in it are made to help you lie down and awake to nothingness. a place where acceptance is complete, a place where the bitch called attention is at rest, a place where there is no need to prove, anything to anyone, a place where even you can be forgiving of yourself for a while.

i love my shell, and i love the walls of my shell. i have a long standing relationship with them. my shell provides me with comfort like no other. well i ain't a glue sniffer. it's just that it's in the air. the shell is where you can be alone, devoid of the world, away from it, there is only you and thus you understands you. there is emptiness, silence, mirth. manic laughter, everything for you, selfish, mindless, numbing, but comfortable is the word, beauty is just a part which never manages to be wholesome. [manic laugh]

the women of my mind

today, i am about to disclose a few things, anybody hardly knows, the impetus has been provided by one of them i'd daresay.

1. well, i was a kid and i met this girl in a computer class. she wore specs and was fair, not exceptionally pretty but pretty. she was much elder to me i guess. i never asked. i never cared that much either. i remember one moment when we were sharing a book in class. our hands (elbows and arms) touched and stayed constantly so. It can be quite a adrenaline spurring moment for a guy aged 13, but i controlled myself. the class got over and i never met her again. i once saw someone on the road who looked like her, my best guess is it wasn't her. but since that moment i had a crush on her. the first crush i guess for me ( no not the first, that was a teacher). Anyway, i played with her then in my mind. she often wore a red dress, and always wore the specs. i wasn't completely devoid of conventions then, so i never undressed her. but i did have a crush on her 8-9 months after the class ended and never saw her again. she looked really beautiful in the dreams. at times she would be chewing something like she often did in class. it's funny how the mind works.

2. i was skimming through channels on the tele. i guess i caught mgm once; the true reason might have been i was looking for a listing of a movie like "blame it on rio" or "wild orchid" which had some action (the 11 o' clock show). i caught a face instead, a face of a woman with books in a library. she was wearing a simple dungree, horizontal striped white shirt with a blue jeans dungree over it. she was wearing specs of course :P. she had a slightly darker complexion. I had probably not seen anything as beautiful in my entire life. the clip was probably for two to three seconds and all i saw was an innocent simple look. i played it over and over in my mind. i exaggerated it to the level of madness in my mind. i thought that was the perfect look. i discussed about her with my friend and he understood my romance. he was more romantic than me. he understood it. i tried really hard to find who she was, i kept checking the channel again and again for one more time so i could see the listing and get something more. i guess all i knew was the movie was "if only", and those were the times without internet. months later i found out it was penelope cruz in the movie and was a ble to watch a few scenes of the movie, with her looking like an angel. i could have called her my first love. it was quite special, i went over and over again with her in my mind and spent time with her, watched her, watched her hair fall, felt her soft lips. saw the dreamy face and fondled her from behind as she wore the dungree and loved the specs so much. i was crazy about her and even though i feel crazy writing it, i realize that this is how the mind worked and this is what the mind fell in love with.

my weird real life experiences that have so far been locked in my mind. only one friend know s about it. hah, just another journal

a simple song

i dunno what to write and what to say
all i know is that there are seconds ticking away
what i say to you sounds so meaningless for once
the brilliance and the emptiness of language gets in the way
why one would read it, why i would i don't know
it's fun to read it smile at for once and say

That there's a long long road in front to the horizon
there's a small one trailed and left away
i can't see much ahead and can only follow
what can i say, there's just nothing left behind
nothing left behind, nothing left behind
oh, i've got nothing left behind

the funny thing now is as i know lay to rest
there's a tree there and i'm under it's shade
now i can try and look behind
take a moment there and let memories align
i can be sad and inconsequential all the same
these moments just don't make any sense

That there's a long long road in front to the horizon
there's a small one trailed and left away
i can't see much ahead and can only follow
what can i say, there's just nothing left behind
nothing left behind, nothing left behind
oh, i've got nothing left behind

cal darling here i come.

happens when you're going home after a long time

cal darling, here i come. offer a little rest to my bones, a place to lie down and awaken to the sweet sounds of utensils preparing magic to sooth your stomach, the smell, the dirt, here i come, the laziness, the frenzy, the love and the joy, cal darling, here i come, offer me some wisdom, the wisdom of ignorance, the freedom of easiness, i just have a few days, i am your customer for the weekend, bring the bliss, bring the cake, bring the delicacies, some speed in flight and not in thought, a place for which i yearn, for some time, nothing to learn. cal darling, here i come!

hindi poetry

some shit i wrote a long while back, hah

tum jab se zindagi mein aaye, aankhein band karna dushwaar ho gaya
bahut samjhaaya man ko, magar kehta raha hamein pyaar ho gaya
aankhen khuli to dhund, aakhein band to tum
maano bas tum hi tum rah gaye, saara sansar kho gaya

kuch log kehte hain ki peene ka maza kuch aur hi hai, woh baat alag hai ki main peeta nahin, kuch log kehte hain ki peene ka maza kuch aur hi hai, woh baat alag hai ki main peeta nahin, kuch log ye bhi kehte hain ki jeene ka mazaa kuch aur hi hai, woh baat alag hai ki main marta nahin

we the people ;)

we get married way to young, we spend all our parents' money on the wedding, we have a kid when we can't afford it, we then have more, we live a tough life being very careful with money, we thus also become smart, we learn to take a lot of shit, we see the tough times together, we thus also grow really close to family, we love each other dearly, look upto parents like gods, we rarely think about dreams due to practicality, we don't migrate much, we then grow fat and wealthy as our children grow old, we are proud of them and since we love them so much, we push them into the pit of marriage once again to go over the same vicious cycle, we are emotional people, very romantic, we made the taj mahal and can make a taj mahal out of a hut, we are ever nostalgic, optimistic and crazy, we defy all odds, we defy all logic, we are INDIANS!

Lost Childhood.

the drops dripped away shamelessely as they do and I looked along
They smiled at me with mild contempt and I smiled back
The air reminded me that it has blossomed and I could not embrace it
It took me back and gave me a naughty trailer of what was about to show

And then it began,
the tiny feet splashing in the puddles, much like the one like lie in front of me
i was taken back to my bustling classroom, where i poured from sweat
the shamelessness had left me, and i could only watch
it walk by me and give a friendly smirk

there was once a time i was free, there was once a time no prejudice bound me
the irony is that i am bound by it awareness and my contempt for it
realizing you are in chains and have been trained to be chained does not help

once i was that kid, who lashed out at provocation without lashing out at it
and now i do being helpless each and every while
now i can't jump into that puddle
at times i don't even want to
we change, yes, our needs change, yes
maybe rightly so but why does the fear as well

i, who proudly thought of myself as brave, courageous and fearless
have suddenly been reduced to bits, a tattered image of an illusion
i have cringed when it comes to taking the pain and overcoming the fear
i foolishly thought i was brave when i wasn't afraid

it's funny how the energy to do something cool can let fear not even arise
but it is said that dealing with is the measure,
but going back, i never saw myself change
its almost as if I who never thought that age should be a factor let it change me
why could i not take that jump now
if a school uniform did not stop me, then why this uniform
it's as if this uniform is more binding than the actual uniform
this is the uniform the world gives you to wear

but then i do like to splash
i do it in my mind, it's just that i have lost the tools
made everything up to be an excuse and started to pity myself
i am ultimately the shameless bitch for attention, too shameless
and i can even admit to see the bollywood in that (one brave thing to do)

and i cling on to that hope that i will splash again,
it's tougher to get out of the rat race we are in with ourselves
we live in a world where no one sees us or hears us. tis true
yes it's true, and i could say i love you or i hate you and it wouldn't make a difference

let's see how things unfold.