stand up

accents - you know i'm fascinated by accents, it's awesome how they slowly vary and change, how everyone has their own unique way of saying behenchod - uve got the UPites saying like they've been constipated for 5 days behanddchod - then uve got this bengalis saying baanchod like they're pouring honey - biharis baheenchod - bhenchod - manipuris benchod - oey, bhenchodaaa - i wish they did one of those commercials u know where they go and meet people and they say something. it'd be awesome to get that diversity with behenchod - zor se bole, sab mil kar bole - i think it should be the national swearword of india - it's even popular in the south

people say south and north, but it's really not that different is it. i mean in bangalore, they do this "" when ure asking a question, in the north you do it when u know u do it

if you think about it, why are gay people fighting for marriage, it's running evolution backwards. i mean they are people who have the option for polygamy and more evolved relationships, stay together till u want to then screw the shit, there's none of that bullshit. it's a perfect example of the minority having to merge with the majority for acceptance because the majority ostracized them, isn't it, m just saying ure better off without copying this shit

i mean what do u guys want arranged gay marriages - especially in an indian context - who would give the dowry - how would that work - my son is a body builder at tawalkars 50 lakhs at least - my son is a body builder at golds gym, he looks at himself in the mirror for 5 hrs a day - that's all my son kisses his biceps - my son jacks off to himself while looking in the mirror - think about it aren't all narcissistic people a little gay

women are the height balancers in a relationship, what size of heels should i wear. and women who love stilettos are never going to forgive a man for being short. m sure they'll never hear the end of it. and before u know it ure in a party and ure girl's saying - oh had you been a few inches longer, and all people around start laughing. honey

a men's public toilet room is a very funny place - you've got all the dick politics - you've either got people terrified, looking absolutely straight so that their neck even by mistake doesn't twitch an inch - bringing them to the horror - or uve got this impulse you know may be i should just casually take a peek, you know, ive only seen em in porn movies, might as well compare it with something real and get proper feedback, you know - then uve got the head turn eye contact, while lingering as you just barely make eye contact and u try to act completely non-chalant and give a nod - how different is it from a girls toilet - doing each others clips and stuff. i think all women are a little gay and that's a good thing - have u seen them stand in queues, they basically grab the ass at all times

i am sorry to say what russel peters said was true - in kolkata, the girl grabbing the guy's ass

a friend told me a crab is the softest flesh you can ever have, pretentious food bastards, gourmets my ass. you crack open that shit, it needs a fucking hammer - pardon me for being a more evolved human being, not a cave man who has to bang the shit open

a friend of mine once talked about vegetartian sushi, that's like talking about vegetarian biryani, hotdog, or pizza and sandwich for that matter, and to those who disagree fuck u, if u can have a vegetarian club sandwhich i can have telepathic sex
this is where an engineer goes - it's teleconnectic

fucking engineers, but u know i pity them for hte shit they have to deal with, hostels, no women - and the ones who get them are gods, though not alwyas - a friend of mine was called gay for all of his life

parents have weird expectations and they don't realize it comes a lot from who they are. phds think their son is useless if they do an mba, marwaris think their son is useless if he can't count cash at 55 notes/minute

male friends talking for comfort useless, my friends girlfriend calls me, talk to him he's really down, im thinking why don't u fucking talk to him, or u know do the other thing. he's sorry in his head, just don't leave enough blood for it, but i had to go, cos she'd promised my she'd introduce me to her friend. i went and stood for 5 mins. i didn't get the introduction

dont u think indians are awesome with all the ancient knowledge, vedas and everything - no i think ure stupid, fuck u - the amreicans know more about kamastutra than we do, they have the websites, the wkiperdia entries, the videos - the americans know more about my history - yoga, kamasutra. walked into blossoms, and that place has nothing but firangi authors about indian stuff

pretentious stupid fuck coffee

don't u think the whole woman man thing is a big gimmick, at least when it comes to courting the other, i mean grow a bunch, get on with it. the journey is better my ass

i've always been fond of the sari, when it commes to my culture for dresses, otherwise it's bikini all the way, victoria's secret. i mean the sari is not the thing of indian tradition and monotny and bollocks, it's the fucking erotic side to our civilization, have u seen the chicks wrapping it around, just wrapping it around

the treatment of sex has always baffled me here, i mean we, the fucking creators of kamasutra cringe at the mention of sex. we are probably the only civilization to disobey everything our bible says and still be proud of it. "i keep coming back to hte kamasutra :P"

i mean society is weird man, you know, we go to boys/girls schools. in some colleges, they sit the dudes and the dudettes separately. all dressing rooms in all public places are separated for boys and girls. in effect the society is trying to turn you into a homosexual and the ostracize you for being one.

i mean public display is fine, it's just a bunch of moohing, and on occasion the crashing of two pairs of boobs (the sad part is it's heterosexual) but what really disturbs is friends, when they half-do it while im watching a movie with them - on the same bed and there's turning and stuff

a friend of a friend of mine, or a writer once said about our people. the guys here are so ugly and the women so beautiful. i agree to that, completely. i personally feel that applies globally but whatever he said more so in india, and i take it ok, completely for all the women, except the ugly ones. (and fuck u if u don't like this objective classification  you can go die u communist, go have sex with brinda karat or arundhati roy) i mean it's true man, it's completely fucknig true man, indian women are beautiful and guys are ugly. i mean how would that not happen, we are basically a soceity where the girl needs to be pretty to get laid and the guy needs to be rich to get some. no wonder every indian household has a fat ugly bastard who reads the newspaper at the breakfast table and farts constantly, while the girl is applying all that voodoo paste to get pretty. it's fine sweetheart, as long as the end product is nice, we don't mind the "journey" as it were

but maybe it's a good system, you know this whole thing, bertrand russell had this saying "", guy takes care of finance, in turn girl takes care of u know the other shit ;-) but very financially speaking, like a true dalal street person, i ask the guy isn't it a bad investment if he hasn't accounted for inflation - you know what i mean - i mean i don't get it, whay happens to u chicks, u eat baking soda after marriage, does the guy pump shit into you - i saw the snaps of this chick ok, 1 snap before marriage - and she's hot ok, panju ok, really hot, and then one snap like a week before marriage, she looks like the snowman from a ghost movie - 3 spheres

who created monogamy anyway - now even my mom is worried for me, girls you should use that trick. definitely a communist

tomatino

beat the shit out of the maid

you know at times i get all ehtereal - that's a new word i invented for zenlike - and i think philosphically - which is what some modern japanese douche invented for buddhalike i guess - i think about life and its consequences and purpose and shit - and then i think to myself on this one hand there is a scientist who invented the nuclear bomb, the missiles, the guns, that blasted the world to bits, that created so much misery and on the other hand there is this person who invented chocolate - i mean u look at musharraf and bush and don't u think they could do with a little chocolate - m telling u with enough chocolate we can end wars - it's not for no reason britannia named them pure magic.

some time clothes went for being protection - fashion, where exactly did this happen. i mean ok, earlier you used boobs to lure us, now it's bras, makes sense u couldn't grow boobs (well know u can), but ok so it went from fanny display to tag display, hunney, lookkee hereee ive got ze gucci - but when the fuck did it go from being comfortable to a pain in the ass - i mean have u seen these women walking in heels - using the guy as a fucking arm-rest, or someone taking fucking half an hour to get into her pants - or get a cellphone out of them - u know i once went out with a girl and we couldn't cos she couldn't climb on the fucking seat - i was really looking for something sophisticated - i mean i was in russia once and i see this woman, like in her 60s or something walking in heels this tall, and this poor guy alongside her trying to support her with all his might - he too was in his 60s!

i was once an inexperienced rider on an rx100. that is not a good combination, specially when uve got to take a girl behind you, cos im telling u it's more difficult - for partly the same reason that you love them - and then she said she didn't like my bike cos it was very loud and created a lot of noise pollution - that was the last she heard from me - you DO NOT insult my bike, and an RX at that - do i go and swear at hello kitty

women pulling low clothes up - hey is it just me or girls shop from the kids section a lot.

i never reall took advatage of being young u know - there is always this age when ure cute enough that women think of u as a kid, but u have changed within - the monster has risen - but i missed that age man -  my cosuin he'd come - i mean they are like o cho chweet, little kid, and then i'd get the fucking head pat - but there was an age when i was cute enough, when i was in russia in fact, when i was just a kid, and i can look at what i was missing as a kid - in the photographs - of really hot "aunties" in really short skirts fondling with me as a kid

i wonder what white women go through when they come to india - cos let's face it, most of india has only really watched them on screen in porn movies - i mean you know they come here to do their thesis on indian culture, the colours, the diversity, they go to benaras and they are curiously looking at a indian guy, and that dude is wondering, she looks a lot like that girl from the porn magazine - i swear to u i am not kidding man - i went on a field trip to do research in west bengal - and while waiting for a bus back home, i thought i'd get a magazine or something to read in the bus, so i go to the magazine stand and all i find there is porn, bloody magazines in bengal subtext - "aapni ki hat sex korte chaan" - i swear man

i would love to be a fashion photographer - i mean - gym instructor - ask a woman to stretch and then scold her when she doesn't get it right!

ok what is it with peta and playboy - i mean i understand we should be kind to animals except when we're eating them - but why are all the beautiful naked women shouting for them - and you're not doing a great deal to them for stripping are you, when my mouse pointer is five clicks away from u anyway. www.torrentz.com - you know people talk about how the ipad has revolutionized the industry and i agree, steve jobs says we want to take consumer satisfaction to a great level where they have noething to compare to - true when was the last time u could play with boobs with multi-touch 'finger gestures'

girls and dogs , girls and royal enfield

critical mass ratio - the threshold beyond whoch one can't be on top in a relationship - you know what i mean - i mean kurl-on can only shift it a bit

what if terminator had sex with pamela anderson, he truly would get the shock of his life

ok how do midgets shop - in the child section right - i love my mommy - speaking of children have u seen how they flirt - see you in 13 years sweetheart - and then comes a jew kid in between and wins the race - me just ready in 11 baby - it takes a while doesn't it ;-)

pu ur hands up if u love harry potter - fuck u losers -

doppelgangers - fuckin doppelgangers

man i saw into the wild -

we are probably one of the few places where rahul gandhi is called a young man. 40 is not a young man, beyond 25 ure already half veteran, max 30, nothing more - have u seen a coporate at like 27-28. they look like they're trying so hard to have fun
cos let's face it, we as a race are not good at having fun - we feel guilty when we have fun - it's like forbidden fruit - but then again how do you expect vegetarians to have fun anyway - that's why i like punjabis and anglos, they are at least a few who are better

ok enrique, once and for all just answer me, are you just constipated or perpetually horny, cos it could really be either from the looks of it. i mean if u go to my grandma, she'll get u that badhajmi ka dawa in seconds and sort u out - for life - u guessed right, it's from personal experience, i couldn't shit without levitating for 6 days man!

ok what's with bangalore and butter milk - i mean half your semen's going to turn out to be butter milk i tell ya!

hotel rooms are meant to corrupt - you're with a girl, u go in and ahve sex - you're not with one you jerk off

grandad taking me to a temple like me making u watch playboy. u have ure bhajans, i have my sex tape :P

i hate locks, the way the fuckers twitch and u have to fight that right angle.

for all those who said i couldn't crack a joke - fuck u